yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
