he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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