you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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