the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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