She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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