Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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