remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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