my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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