I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I don't deserve a penis
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
