hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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