Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
That's when you crack a 10am beer
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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