I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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