I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
