Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
