I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
my being single is dangerous.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
