omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
