i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
