my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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