this beer tastes like vomit already
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
