There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Who did Billy Mays play for?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize