I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
