omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
