You just made me feel so damn special
Do you still have your period?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
