I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize