So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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