can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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