I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
