moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
