Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
