girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
