Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize