I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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