Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
