I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
