She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Congratulations! We have a period
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