There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
