I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
