Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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