please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
