I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
