She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
