when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
