I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
