i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize