I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
FUCK WHALES
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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