No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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