Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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