im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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