He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
