I need help removing her.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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