hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Randomize
