Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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