So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
