i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Randomize