I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
