Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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