It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
We're too hungover to prance.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
