just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize