my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
